


Your Tolerance for Bullshit Goes Down After Almost Blowing Yourself Up

by PennamePersona



Series: Making Sense of Life While on a Space Rock [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Emotional moment, Facing the shit you've dealt with for a long ass time, Gen, In reference to Dave & Rose's Green Sun Adventure, M/M, Meteorstuck, meltdowns, mentions of suicidal intent, post-retcon timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 06:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14847668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: “I’m starting to think that all this bullshit I’ve been throwing around isn’t doing a thing to protect me from the worst parts of myself,”orDave on a meteor surrounded by aliens and one human, a week after a suicide mission that didn't take, learning more about himself than he ever could've otherwise.





	Your Tolerance for Bullshit Goes Down After Almost Blowing Yourself Up

**Author's Note:**

> So, like, I really like the idea of hitting up the whole "dave and rose went on a suicide mission together after they both tried to save each other from it, and then they didn't die" concept, and if you've read parts of my Clinic AU verse that I'm, like, totally never touching again most likely, you'll know how much I love Dave & Rose sibling stuff (with what's probably a fair touch of co-dependency).
> 
> Retcon Timeline Dave seems so much more open to examining his life and what all the shit he knew for all that time meant, and that had to start somewhere, basically. He and Karkat are obviously close in the Retcon Timeline, and honestly, Dave & Rose dynamic is one I'm so fuckin' weak for, so I may just fuck some more with this concept.

It’s been a week on this meteor, and you’re all still skittish around each other. Almost especially you and Rose. It’s hard to share a moment like...that, when the two of you have kept so firmly to yourselves your whole lives, and now.

 

Well. Now, this. Only two humans on a space rock hurtling through paradox space, only half of all the humans you know for certain to be alive, and yet, here, on this fucking rock, there’s still the same amount of human contact you’ve always had.

 

Jesus fuck. And then all the trolls...only four you ever see, and another one running somewhere, having killed enough of the others that it’s frightening even to them, or at least some of them. Vriska...she doesn’t seem disturbed by Gamzee’s murderous rampage, and that’s actually more freaky to you than anything else on this rock, and you have totally seen the room with all the weird, mutant creatures floating in stasis in a fluid you can’t even begin to guess at. Actually, that part of the meteor is sort of comforting. Reminds you of the dead stuff you’d collect, of the honest interest you’d always had in things long gone, which is why you’re there, right now.

 

Looking at all the huge, mutated creatures.

 

Something’s unwinding in your chest that you hadn’t realized was there, just like every other time you come down here. You’ve briefly considered just setting up camp in this lab, but that same instinct you’ve had your whole life to limit pleasurable activities pings so hard at the idea of having your living space be somewhere you’re so comfortable.

 

You’ve spent more time in the past week thinking about your feelings than the past three years combined. Under normal circumstances, you’d probably be sharing that with Rose. Under these circumstances, you’re a week after a suicide mission that didn’t take, and you vividly remember the exact thoughts and feelings you’d had being mirrored completely in her eyes.

 

So, yeah. You’ve been avoiding talking to Rose.

 

There’s a clatter from the stairway leading into the lab, and your head snaps toward it. It feels odd, actually, to have done that so unsubtly. After being trained to be so carefully quietly suspicious, to allow yourself to be responsive is...nerve-wracking.

 

Karkat stumbles into the lab, which, wow, not expecting that one.

 

“Dave, where the fuck are you?” He calls out. “I am at my limit for bullshit excuses from Rose.”

 

“What?” You say, before you can stop yourself. You sigh, step out of your shadowed little corner, and Karkat yelps at your sudden appearance. 

 

“Fuck, don’t scare me like that.” He says. 

 

“Why is Rose making excuses?” You ask.

 

“Everyone knows she’s the only person who could even guess where you’ve been hiding,” Karkat says, gesturing with one hand. “And she’s so fucking cagey about it that it was actually starting to get suspicious, which I’m not okay with, considering all the shit that went down before you two got here.”

 

You’re silent for a long moment, face turned down and to the side, because the idea of meeting Karkat’s eyes is so frightening to you. What you’ll see there is almost certainly going to be something you can’t handle, because right now? You can’t handle anything.

 

You’re so fucking broken, and what would looking at him even matter? He can’t see past your shades, can’t see your eyes, just like no one ever could, just like Bro taught you, and 

 

Suddenly, that crashes over you like a wave, and you’re so done trying to swim through this shit.

 

You rake a hand through your hair, almost violently, then throw both arms in the air and shout. No words, just the loud noise, just a shout of defeat and defiance echoing through the lab.

 

“Fuck!” You yell. “Fuck this. I’ve got nothing, Karkat, I don’t know what to tell you, man. Rose doesn’t know where I’ve been, that’s why she won’t tell you. She and I showed up here after going on a goddamn suicide trip we were both trying to save each other from, and then we lived - no! Worse than lived! We can’t even die anymore, dude, not unless we’re heroes or villains, and much as we both wanted to pretend otherwise, we never learned to be either! So here we are, stuck on a rock with aliens we’ve known for our whole lives and also twenty-four hours, except! Here’s the best part, Karkat, here’s my favorite bit! It wasn’t twenty-four hours for me. It was so, so much fucking longer.”

 

By the end, your voice is hoarse, you’re choking back a sob, your throat hurts like a motherfucker, and you feel so goddamn broken and really to shatter and incredibly, irresistibly exhausted that you just yank off your shades and look Karkat Vantas in the eyes.

 

“I’m starting to think that all this bullshit I’ve been throwing around isn’t doing a thing to protect me from the worst parts of myself,” You think more than say, but you can feel the rumble coming from your throat, so some of this must be coming out of your mouth. “My bro’s dead and I had to see the body, and then I died so many times that I can’t even sort out which one’s more fucked up to be relieved about.”

 

“Holy shit,” Karkat breathes. He takes a step closer to you, and while you fully flinch, you also don’t move backwards. He stops all the same, so you take a half second to breathe, and stride forward, grabbing the fabric of his sweater and smacking your forehead into his chest.

 

“Fuck!” You shout, again. “Fuck, man. Fuck all of this. I didn’t ask for this shit, didn’t sign on, and you know what? Neither did you, or Rose, or John and Jade, or anyone the fuck else. Fuck this game so hard.”

 

“I mean,” Karkat says, gently resting a clawed hand in your hair. “Yeah, pretty much.”

 

“Sorry,” You say. “Didn’t mean to steal your yelling schtick.”

 

“Eh,” He says. “Could be worse.”

 

“Yeah,” You agree. “Could’ve had a meltdown in front of a dude you’ve never done anything but argue with. Oh, wait!”

 

“Shut up, Stri - Dave.” He says, gently smacking your chin until you move your head back up and look at him. “Honestly, I’ve had too much hitting me too quickly to give a shit that we didn’t get along before.”

 

“Huh,” You say. “So, like. You wanna watch a movie or something?”

 

“Seriously?” He asks. “All that and you want to watch a movie?”

 

“Mostly I just wanna get out of this lab and act like a person for a few hours,” You shrug. “Movie seems like a good excuse.”

 

“...alright,” He says, obviously confused but more willing to just fucking go with it than you’d previously imagined him capable. Maybe you aren’t the only one realizing shit.

 

“You should still talk to Rose, though.” He says, about halfway through the movie. “If you don’t, I swear I’ll just keep nagging you about it until it’s not even worth it anymore.”

 

“Point taken,” You say. “I will, when I can do it without bursting into tears like some kind of pathetic idiot.”

 

“Didn’t have a problem doing that in front of me,” Karkat says, poking you in the side. “Might as well do it in front of her.”

 

“Okay, shut the fuck up,” You say. “It’s more complicated than that.”

 

“Everything’s complicated.” He groans. “And what good has that done us?”

 

Huh.

 

What good indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Dave Strider feeling shit and being honest with his emotions after 13 years of suppression so goddamn much?? Anyway
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.pennamepersona.tumblr.com) for if you wanna talk about Homestuck shit or also other stuff, but I'm hitting my stride on Homestuck again and I've got so fucking much to say on it, seriously


End file.
